


The Sessions

by blood4poppies



Category: Tomb Raider (Video Game)
Genre: Counseling, F/F, Gen, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-06-01 07:08:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6507652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blood4poppies/pseuds/blood4poppies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I never thought that In my twenty two years that I would be one of those people, laying on a couch, talking to a complete stranger about my problems while they sit there, quietly judging me whilst taking notes. A closer look at the private sessions Lara had following Yamatai. Takes place between "Tomb Raider #18" by Dark Horse Comics and "Rise of The Tomb Raider". Lara x Sam</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Trick Is To Keep Breathing

**THE SESSIONS**

_**CHAPTER ONE - The Trick Is To Keep Breathing** _

_Pull yourself together Lara._

I told myself as I sat there, waiting for the therapist to see me after filling out grueling amounts of what I thought was unnecessary paperwork. I suppose that they need to know all of this rubbish. I had always thought that therapy was pointless. That only completely barmy people went to see a therapist. I never thought that In my twenty two years that I would be one of those people, laying on a couch, talking to a complete stranger about my problems while they sit there, quietly judging me whilst taking notes. I walked up to the front desk of Doctor Steven Faulkner's office, an older blond woman was his receptionist. She greeted me warmly while handing me a stack of paperwork about an inch thick. I never minded doing paperwork, but this was something different. The client intake form on the last page made me feel rather uncomfortable as I read the multitude of questions regarding my well-being and symptoms that I may have been experiencing.

_"Please look these items over and circle the number from 1-10 that best describes how these symptoms have bothered you recently:"_

Guilty feelings. 10. So much had happened. I couldn't even begin to describe how I felt about everything that had transpired. From being shipwrecked on that godforsaken Island to losing Roth, to losing everyone else. God, if only I wasn't so stupid. There's not a day that goes by where I don't blame myself for what happened. There were storms coming in from the Dragon's Triangle and still I insisted on sailing there. None of this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me. It haunts me to this day.

Suicidal thoughts, plans or attempts. 8.

_Have you ever thought about, planned or attempted suicide? If so describe._

I'll never forget it. Roth had just died. No one knew. I sat there in the cold, the rain came down so hard it felt like a million tiny bullets piercing my skin. The man that I had called my father for the past twelve years had sacrificed himself in order to save my life. I had been responsible for so many deaths already. Steph, Grimm, and finally Roth.

 _"Is this really worth it?"_ I wondered.

_"What's the point? I'm just going to fucking die here anyway…"_

I reached for one of the twin pistols that Roth had given to me before he slipped away. I brought it up so that the barrel was pressed tightly against my temple. I bit my bottom lip tightly and pulled the trigger, waiting for the sound.

_Click…..click._

I had grabbed the wrong gun. The magazine had been completely empty. Distraught, I threw the gun down to the ground. I couldn't even get killing myself right. I buried my head in my hands as the sound of thunder drowned out my screams. I held onto Roth's body until Jonah, Alex, Reyes and Sam found me only a few moments later.

Flashbacks and intrusive memories. 9. Everywhere that I went post-Yamatai, every time that I had heard a loud crash, the explosion of fireworks, if I saw someone following a little too closely, I was brought back to the island. I often carried one of the guns that Roth gave me tucked into my pants underneath my shirt. There had been multiple incidents where I had reached for it. One in particular. Sam and I had been on a walk late at night, she told me that walking and getting outside of my own head for awhile would help me. This night we were walking past a dark alley-way, it had to have been close to midnight. Out of the corner of my eye I thought that I had seen something or someone coming for Sam and I. Panicked, I reached back and pulled out the Remington pistol, safety off. Everything went black shortly after. I heard Sam calling out to me, as I came back to, she stood in front of the barrel, quickly breaking my grip on the gun. I don't think that I had ever seen her so terrified. The gave me a look that I had never seen from her before in my life. She looked at me as if I was some sort of monster. It broke my heart.

_God, Sam._

I felt my heart start to pound, my stomach start to turn as I closed my eyes as her face entered my mind. I had never been the type to believe in love, or maybe I just simply never had the time for it, but Sam brought out these feelings in me that I didn't think I could ever feel for anything or anyone in my life. I loved her so madly. If there was any one person that I was doing this for, it was for her. I felt an unbearable amount of guilt over what I put her through these past few months. Despite my best efforts, Himiko still found her way to a vessel. And that vessel happened to be my girlfriend. Now she's locked away in a mental ward and there's not a damn thing that I can do about it. But I'd like to think that If there's one thing that I can do for her, it's this. Losing her was the push that I needed to get help, that and my dad's old girlfriend, Ana begging and pleading.

Sexual worries or problems. 7. Sam had made comments about our sex-life shortly after Yamatai. I needed an outlet to vent out my anger, and my pain. Whenever we were intimate, I turned my mind completely off.

 _"It's like you're trying to fuck the pain away, sweetie."_ My eyes started to water at the memory of her voice. _"I'm loving how rough you are, but this isn't you."_

She was right. Sex was the only thing that made me feel completely vulnerable. I wanted so desperately to feel loved by her. I thought that if we had sex, she would love me more, that the pain would all go away because I had love in my life. I was dead wrong. I never meant to hurt Sam, she was the one person in my life that I couldn't bear to hurt, yet I did anyway.

Change in sleeping pattern. Nightmares. Difficulty falling asleep. Difficulty staying asleep. 10. Sleep came seldom for me. And whenever it did, it came from the aid of six, sometimes seven over-the-counter sleep aids washed down with an enormous quantity of alcohol. Though I never stayed asleep for very long. My sleeping mind became tenanted with nightmares. Poor Sam would be awoken in the middle of the night by my screams. _God she deserved better._

The office was large, and almost picturesque. A large window with a cherry desk placed in front of it came between me and the identical flax colored Wingback chair across from me, letting natural light shine through from the outside world, giving the room some extra light. This was something that I had never done before. This was something that I had never planned on doing in my entire life. Slouched in in my chair, I closed my eyes once more and pulled the hood of the heather grey zip up sweatshirt I had been wearing over my head. I let out a sigh and tried my absolute hardest to relax, to not think about the painful memories that paraded around in my head. It wasn't long until I heard the door open. Walking into the room was the man who introduced himself as Doctor Steven Faulkner. He had the look of a man who had seen a lot in his sixty-some years. He had silver hair, just barely enough to cover his entire head, wearing thick rimmed glasses over his cold blue eyes, framing his worn, chiseled face. He attempted to make some small talk with me as he sat down in his chair across from the identical one that I had been sitting in. I gave small, short replies as I sat back in my chair, folding my arms. My eyes, fixated on the dark rug lying just below me, tracing the small patterns. My focus was brought back to the doctor as I heard the click of a button He was recording me.

"Okay, let's begin. It's Thursday, the 25th of July, and I am here with Miss Lara Croft. How are you this afternoon, Miss Croft?" He glanced right at me, a small smile on his face.

I was uncomfortable. This whole thing made me uncomfortable. It would have been different if it were Ana or Jonah sitting in that chair across from me. After losing the love of my life, they were all that I had now. The only people I felt that I could be myself around. I felt my body tense up, my grip tightened on the arm of chair I had been sitting in.

"Fine. Thank You."

I avoided eye contact with him. He had to have known that I was lying. I glanced up at him momentarily as he sighed and leaned back into his chair.

"Miss Croft, there's a bit of a joke about the word 'fine' in psychiatry, that it often stands for: 'Feelings Inside Not Expressed'." I internally rolled my eyes, therapy wasn't for most people. Perhaps it wasn't for me.

"Mmm. I thought jokes were supposed to be funny." I droned, I couldn't have possibly understood how that was a joke. I watched him cross one leg over the other as he pulled a pen from his pocket.

"It's possible I oversold its value as a joke. However, If we're going to get anything out of our time together, you need to be honest."

My mind drifted to the words that Ana said to me. I remember her begging me. I was on a sort of a downward spiral after I had lost Sam. I had almost forgotten that she had keys to the apartment Sam and I had owned one night where I had stumbled in, completely pissed up. Only to find Ana, the only real mother figure that I've ever had on my life, waiting for me.

_"Your father, and Conrad would both be physically ill if they knew you were suffering like this Lara. Please...get help. Before it's too late."_

His words snapped me out of the brief memory.

"Now, can you _honestly_ tell me that you feel... 'fine?'" He asked.

I wasn't fine. I had been far from it. The feelings of sadness were haunting me. A ghost that wouldn't move on, a ghost that I couldn't exorcise. Doctor Faulkner knew that I had been lying. _Maybe talking about it will help. This is what he does for a living._ If I was going to be spending an hour and a half with this man once a week, I may as well be honest with him.

"No...Not for a while." His eyes squinted as he looked over the paperwork that I had filled out prior.

"Your father's partner, Ana said on the phone that she feels you have been struggling and showing signs of post-traumatic stress." He studied me. "Is that something that you would agree with?"

"Yes..." I averted my eyes away from Doctor Faulkner and back to the rug beneath my feet. "I am sure that you have seen in the papers, and the news that I was shipwrecked on an island, Yamatai in Japan." I felt a lump form in my throat, a bitter taste coating my tongue as the name _Yamatai_ escaped my lips.

"Uh-huh...have you ever had any previous counseling before, Miss Croft?" he asked, his pen in his hands hovering over his notepad. I shook my head

"No, I have not."

Doctor Faulkner briefly scribbled in his notepad. "Now, this may be difficult for you, but what were some of the events that happened over in Japan that may have contributed to your visit?"

I thought of Roth.

"I...watched the man who was my father for the last twelve years of my life get killed right in front of my eyes.." I admitted. "There's not a day that goes by that I don't relive that moment in my head." The doctor made some more notes.

"This man was not your father?" He inquired. I felt myself start to choke on the air I was breathing as the memory played over in my head once more. Conrad Roth put himself in between me and an axe in order to save my life, before quickly shooting the remaining Solarii while their leader, Matthias fled as he and I collapsed to the ground. I then thought back to last memory of my father.

"Dad, is everything alright?"

I walked into his office to find him facing down at his desk. _"He must have fallen asleep"_ I thought. I took a few steps closer, wishing to wake him. As I stepped closer, a smell that reminded me of the old change jar I had in my bedroom became almost pungent.

"Dad…?"

I stopped dead in my tracks. My whole body started to shake, the temperature of the room started to decline as my head began to spin. My eyes caught the smoking gun clutched in his lifeless hand as the source of the smell became apparent. A large puddle of blood laid underneath his head, dripping from the desk onto the floor. The slanderous news article deeming him a disgrace collecting the drops. I was too horrified to react to Ana entering the room behind me, gasping and screaming.

"No." I came back to reality. "My father died when I was ten...he committed suicide." I paused in an attempt to regain some composure "I was the one who found him." My hands violently trembling. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on slowing my breathing.

"Just breathe, Lara. You're doing well." He spoke softly. "Was it just the two of you?"

"My mother died when I was two years old. She had cancer and didn't have much time. It was just me and him until I was nine, then he met Ana. Then she became my maternal figure. After his death, his oldest friend Conrad Roth became my legal guardian. He didn't want Ana to feel obligated to have that responsibility. 'She didn't know how to deal with the little spitfire' He put it." I tried to let out a small laugh as I watched Doctor Faulkner, nodding as he wrote more.

"Do you remember much about your mother?"

"Her name was Amelia, like my middle name...Dad never really spoke of her. When he did, he told me that she loved me, utterly. That the three of us were happy, then she had fallen ill. By the time my father knew, it was already too late. He buried himself in his work shortly after that. Throughout my entire time with him, there was never a time where he wasn't doing something pertaining to his studies. I feel as though I reminded him of her too much. Roth always told me I was the spitting image of her. I saw a picture of her only once, and she was beautiful. I worry that it was my fault, her death. Everything after too." Doctor Faulkner listened as he flipped through paperwork and continued to assess me. "My father became so obsessed with his work. We were fighting just hours before he died."

"They say that there are five most stressful events a person can go through in their lifetime: Death, divorce, moving, job loss and illness. All of us strive to have orderly and peaceful lives. We tend to develop well when we get into certain routines. Humans thrive on routine. When those routines get broken, we behave differently. We may lash out at our loved ones, or pull away completely. It's not uncommon to feel guilty for the things that have happened in your childhood leading up to now, Lara. It is quite common for people to focus on their work after a tragic event, like you mentioned your father did after your mother's death…" His hand lifted as he brought the back end of his pen up to the corner of his mouth.

"Tell me more about your father, Richard Croft. He was quite the controversial archaeologist in his day." His eyes met mine briefly. "He was all over the papers."

"He was always stubborn." My gaze shifted to the window. Contrary to popular belief, London wasn't always rainy. It was that day. I began to lose myself as I watched the small droplets of water race each other to the finish line that was the bottom edge of the rather large window. Before Yamatai, the rain always called me down. The gentle pitter-patter on the streets of London served as a white noise for me in my youth. Now, the rain and storms were just another reminder. I could no longer hear the loud rumbling of thunder or heavy rain without her mind going back there. My attention was brought back to the doctor as he spoke.

"From what you said earlier, you didn't seem to spend much time with him either, did you?"

"No. I spent most of those eight years away in boarding schools while he was away on expeditions. When I was on holiday, I would often join him and Roth on them. Roth was always the one who stayed back to keep an eye on me, to keep me entertained. Being away from my father for so long taught me independence. It wasn't until I was nine where I finally felt like I had a 'normal' family. Ana was my father's saving grace in his final year. She pulled him back to reality. For a while there, I felt like I had my dad back, until he became obsessed once more. I want to understand. People are starting to tell me that I'm just like him and I'm not sure how that makes me feel... " I slouched forward resting my elbows on my knees, placing a hand over my closed fist, and brought my mouth to them, furrowing my brow.

"After Yamatai, I would lock myself in my room, books surrounding me. I'd be lost in them for hours...days, trying to make sense of what I saw there. My girlfriend, Samantha would sit at the door and beg me to come out and eat something or spend time with her. It was a cause of concern for her. We would get into fights and she would always accuse me of being just like him."

Doctor Faulkner kept listening.

"Lara, have you ever heard of the term 'transference'? When was the first time you truly gained the approval of your father? The first time you ever felt a sense of accomplishment?"

"No, I have not...I was five. My dad and Roth were about six meters away from me while I was digging in the dirt. In these ghastly penguin pajamas." I laughed as I brought my hand up to touch my jade necklace. "This is what I found. I remember I was so excited, I ran up to Roth and he smiled, untied his boot, removed the lace, put the jade on it and tied it around my neck so that I wouldn't lose it. My dad then called me his little archaeologist. I think that's when I decided what I wanted to be. I used to think that if I found things on his digs, if I studied hard, and got good grades, that maybe he'd notice me. I think that's all a child wants, to be seen and heard." I answered him.

"Transference is the redirection of feelings and desires, and especially of those unconsciously retained from childhood toward a new object. We all do this all the time. In your case, as a child, you received positive reinforcement from your father when you did well academically, or made a discovery. Because of this, you wish to feel that praise and adoration once again from important people in your life. Your girlfriend Sam for example. Especially now, since your father is gone. I'd like for you to talk to me about Conrad Roth, the man who stepped into your father's position after his passing."

I thought back to some of my happiest memories with Roth. Graduating University was at the top of the list. I don't think I had ever seen him so happy before. The smile on his face was contagious as he ran up to me, giving me a tight hug, Sam following behind me, trying to maneuver around the countless parents and relatives in attendance. He pulled back and put his hand on my shoulder to steady me. His green eyes started to twinkle and water with joy as he spoke.

"I'm so proud of you, girl." I could see Sam next to me out of the corner of my eye, her cellular in hand as always. Roth shot her a warm glance as he put an arm around her shoulder, pulling her close as well. " _Both_ of you girls."

Sam giggled as she greeted Roth. "You're looking good Roth! I bet you're beating the ladies back with a stick!" I saw his face change colour as he laughed at her comment. He returned to face me, smiling.

"Your mum and dad are looking down on you, Lara. They would be proud of you as well." His eyes squinted as he looked around the crowd. "Speaking of mothers, where is Ana?" Sam approached me, fixing her hair. Her eyes not leaving her phone.

"Okay, my hair looks awesome today, so are we going to get a picture together or what?" She grinned, knowing exactly how opposed I was to having my picture taken.

"I don't know…" I teased as she let out an exasperated sigh.

"Please!?" I could see Roth standing behind her. His arms crossed with one hand up to his mouth, obviously chuckling at the two of us. He took a small step towards Sam and offered to take it.

"This is a day you're going to want to remember, lass." Sam squealed while she gave him her phone and stood to my left. I felt her wrap her arm around the middle of my torso, and she tickled my side in an attempt to get me to smile. I put my arm around her shoulder as she continued, eventually getting a smile out of me as Roth took our photograph.

"He was the father that I truly needed. He taught me everything that I know today. Some of the happiest moments in my life were with him. He loved me unconditionally. He knew that I wasn't his responsibility after my Dad died, but he stepped forward anyway. He made a lot of sacrifices in his life to make sure that I lived a good one, including his own. I'll never forget the night that he died. It's still fresh in my mind and I think that it always will be, for as long as I live. But if it weren't for him, the few of us left wouldn't have gotten off of that Island." I shook my head in hopes that the memory would dissipate. I had hoped that he had been through asking the hard questions, then I heard her name.

"Talk to me about Samantha."


	2. Haunted

_** THE SESSIONS   
** _

_**CHAPTER TWO - Haunted** _

* * *

 

"Whatever you're fussing about, stop."

I shivered as fingers traced my collarbone and took my gaze down from the ceiling to focus on Sam. She was wrapped in my arms and using my chest as a pillow. I observed her for a moment before she noticed. Her breathing slow, her voice was soft and slow.

Tomorrow was the day that all of us were boarding the Endurance to take part of Dr. James Whitman's journey to find Yamatai, and I couldn't have been any more nervous. I glanced over at the alarm clock sitting on the nightstand next to our bed. " _2:00 A.M."_ it read. I let out a sigh as my head fell back onto the pillow, mentally cursing Sam for believing that showcasing the lingerie she had bought just before I was headed for bed was a good idea. Her heart was in the right place, hoping that a quick romp before bed would tire me out, only it had lasted almost an hour. _I'd never been more awake in my life._

"Your eyes aren't even open, Sam." I quietly chuckled. She lifted her head at the sudden movement of my chest and turned to face me. Her brown eyes met mine. She was fighting to keep them open.

"My eyes don't need to be open to see what's going on with you." She smirked. She gently bit her lip while she looked me in the eyes, her fingers still tracing every inch of my exposed skin. She knew me better than anyone.

"What's bothering you, sweetie? Are you nervous about tomorrow?" I shifted my weight as her hand slipped under the duvet, traveling further down my torso. "If so...I can help take the edge off?" She flashed a cheeky grin.

"Stop it." I smiled back, shaking my head. "I'm not ready to go again just yet." I used an elbow to prop myself up in our bed. I was now looking down at the girl that I loved. There were a million and one reasons why we never could have worked. Sam was creative where I was studious. I was shy where she was bold. She lived exclusively in the now, and I chose to dwell in the past. I can't explain how we fell in love or how we became inseparable. We just did. Sometimes it's just like that. Two people who should have never fit together end up together. I thought of my life without her in that moment, and I felt my heart drop down to my stomach. " _I can't live that life," I thought._ She reached up and cupped my face with her hand. Her thumb stroking my cheek, her concerned eyes not leaving mine.

"What's wrong?"

"I just...have a bad feeling. Like something is going to go horribly wrong, and I'm gonna lose you." I sighed. "I know, it's stupid." I broke eye contact and turned my head away. Her other hand now grabbing my face, gently turning it back to face her.

"Hey...you're not going to lose me." I shifted my weight so that I was laying directly on top of her, the warmth of her skin made my heart ache. "You've been so stressed out...With this expedition and planning the wedding...If anything happens Roth and Joslin will have control over the situation. Have faith in them, okay?" She smiled as she gave me the reassurance I needed. Looking into my eyes again, she lifted her head up to where our lips met, sending a current throughout my body. They parted only to meet again. The same electric shock surged through me again as she bit my bottom lip playfully.

"I love you, Lara Croft. Until heaven falls."

"I love you, too. Until heaven falls."

I awoke with a gasp, my body drenched in sweat. I rolled over to the other side of the bed to wake Sam, only to feel the cold empty spot where her body used to be. _Used to be_. I woke up every day, every night like this. She was the only person who ever truly understood me. I shuffled over to her side of the bed, burying my face in her pillow in a desperate attempt to breathe in her faded smell of her skin made my heart ache. _How I'd move heaven and earth to bring her back._ I missed the way her eyes would glimmer when she told me she loved me, or how she always managed to get the last word. I missed the hairpin curve of her lips whenever she looked at me, or the way she would moan my name in hushed whispers late at night. Losing her was like someone had ripped my beating heart from my chest, and replaced it with a black hole. I rolled over on my back, staring up at the ceiling. _How could this happen?_ I brought my shaking hands up to my face. My eyes, like a dam disaster, attempting to hold back the deluge of tears. _How could you be so careless, Lara?_

I had lost all restraint, as I began to let go, sobbing uncontrollably. My pillow muffling my cries for her.

I'll never forget the moment that I knew. The moment I knew Himiko had latched onto her. We had gotten into a huge fight the night before. Earlier in the day I had bought her some cupcakes to make up for the fight. She insisted that she needed some space and went for a run. Upset, I called on Jonah and Alex's sister, Kaz, for comfort. Sam had been gone for a few hours at most, I was worried about her. She was acting so strangely. Kaz had been giving me a lecture on running away from my problems when the phone rang.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Is this Miss Lara Croft?" A man's voice was on the other end. I glanced at Kaz and Jonah.

"Yes."

"This is the Westminster Police Department. I'm afraid that your friend Samantha Nishimura has been arrested for assault." No. This couldn't be happening. The room started to spin, I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. I took the phone away from my face, my mouth dropped open in horror.

"Miss Croft, are you there?"

I didn't sleep that night. Kaz and Jonah stayed with me, begging me to get some rest. How could I? My girlfriend had just been arrested. My mind was riddled with questions.

" _What happened to us?"_

" _Is this my fault?"_

" _Sam wouldn't do something like this, would she?"_

" _My Sam wouldn't do something like this…"_

It was my fault. All of it. My mind drifted back to the fight that we had the night before.

"Do you know what it's like, having you rescue me over and over again? Do you know what that _feels_ like? Her voice still ringing in my ears. I wanted to get away from London, go back to Yamatai a third time to try to make sense of all of it all. I stood at the edge of our bed with a suitcase half packed and Sam standing behind me. I looked over my shoulder to face her, she had her hands on her hips.

"We are supposed to be partners, Lara. I used to think we were equals. Not anymore." Her voice broke, she looked away from me and stared out the window, rain drops coating it from the outside. "You've already made up your mind…"

I turned around, and started to walk toward her, my hands shaking. I'd lost everyone that I had ever loved in my life. " _This can't be…"_ I thought.

"What are you saying, Sam?" I reached out to her only for her to smack my arm away.

"I'm saying you can't help it. You _have_ to control _everything_!" She sobbed, wrapping her arms around me and burying her head into my chest. "You can't let me in anymore…"

"What do you want me to do, Sam?" I started to choke up. She lifted her head as I gently placed my hands on her arms, looking into her eyes.

"What can I do to fix this?"

She backed away and shook her head.

"I want things to go back to the way they were. I want us to get married and get out of here, like we planned." She explained, wiping the tears from her eyes. "I want you to teach me how to fight, I want to show you that I'm not completely useless." She threw her hands up in the air. "But no, no one gets to be the hero but you, do they, Lara?" Her words cut me to the bone. I loved her so much. I wanted to fix things. I wanted more than anything to marry her, get that six bedroom in Witham...Fill it up with children one day. But, I couldn't risk putting her through that. As long as I was around, she wouldn't be safe. I knew that now.

"I want that too, love, I do…" I stepped closer to her and cupped her face in my hands, wiping away her tears. "But I have to keep you safe...I need to go to where Jonah's staying right now, he needed my help with something." I kissed her forehead as I turned to leave, I was almost to the door when she stopped me.

"Lara..." I looked back at her, her arms folded.

"If you leave...I won't be here when you get back." She threatened. "I can't do this anymore."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. There was a war going on inside of myself that I most certainly wasn't winning. I saw things on Yamatai, things that I thought were impossible. On the first trip home from there I studied my father's old notes. He had been studying something very similar to what I saw on the island. I can't quite make the connections, not yet. I _needed_ to go back there. I needed to find a way to fix things, so that I could move on with my life. Move on with her. At that moment I should have said something, anything.

But I didn't.

I came back later that night to find Sam sleeping on the couch. Her bark was always worse than her bite. She _had_ to have known how much I loved her, how much I wanted to keep her safe. I carried her to our bed without waking her then retreated to the couch where I spent my night. That morning I had woken up before her, and made my way out the door in an attempt to make up for what I had done the night before. We hadn't really done much talking since our trip to Mexico.

_Mexico._

That night on the boat Jonah and I noticed a storm was on its way, so I decided to go wake her. I walked into our cabin to find her sitting on one of the small beds, hugging her knees to her chest. _Something was wrong._ I tried to reach out to her, but she snapped at me. I decided it had been best to just leave her alone. As I walked out I ran into Kaz. She asked me if everything was okay and we got to talking. It wasn't long until Kaz noticed Sam walking out to the bow. Concerned, I looked out of the room to ask her if she had been okay, but she just stood there in an almost catatonic state. I began to feel uneasy as she made her way to the edge of the railing. To my surprise, a huge wave hit port nearly knocking me into the water below.

"Sam! Please get down! Stop this! Whatever's wrong, we can sort it out, okay?" She didn't listen. She plunged into the ocean. I dove in immediately and I swam out to her. She was floating there, unconscious. " _What on earth has gotten into you, Sam?"_ I thought to myself. To add to my confusion, I looked up into the sky to see how close the storm was getting to us. Only the storm had disappeared. The captain, Arturo, jumped into the water and quickly swam out to us after. I yelled at him to go back to the boat. I could see a shadow approaching us underwater. As it got closer I could make out the dark grey mass as it's back fin twitched violently.

A bull shark was headed straight for u _s._

Grabbing Sam's hand, I took a deep breath and dove underwater. I gave the shark a good kick in the eye as I came up for air, yelling for Art to keep an eye out for it; it had begun circling around us. Sam opened her eyes, coughing.

"How did I get in the water?"

"No time to explain, we just need to get out." I yelled. We started to swim away as I heard Art start to roar in pain. I looked back to see the water turn a murky, red. The shark had bit him. I quickly went back and grabbed him as I instructed Sam to keep going, that If it got close, to kick it and scare it.

"Lara, it's coming!" Sam yelled behind me as I helped Jonah get Art up safely.

"Just keep swimming!" I turned to check on Sam, and to my horror, she had swam out to face the shark alone. The shark surfaced, and Sam had taken her ankh necklace and drove it into it's eye. I watched in disbelief as she swam back towards us, as if nothing had happened.

That's when It all started.

I drove to H.M. Prison Holloway with Jonah and Kaz the following morning. I grew more anxious with every mile that we got closer, feeling like I was going to have to stop the car and throw up. First, Sam had stabbed a shark dead in the eye in Mexico, threatened to leave me, and finally gotten herself arrested for assaulting a man who simply asked her for directions. _This wasn't like Sam_. I knew it, Jonah and Kaz knew it too. This wasn't the Samantha Nishimura that I fell in love with. This wasn't the Samantha that I wanted to marry. We were on a road to ruin, and It was all my fault. If I only just let her in. Perhaps I was testing her, perhaps I put up that wall to see If she loved me enough to break it down. I felt selfish at the thought. Everything I'd done, everything Roth had taught me to be prepared for, I did for her. Roth gave me structure. Sam gave me purpose.

The prison troubled me. H.M. Prison Holloway had been in the papers recently due to the female prisoners being exposed to intimidation and abuse. Private contractors forced them to travel in escort vans with male inmates. _If any of those bastards touched her._

"This is crazy. Why couldn't they just keep her at the station?" Kaz asked.

"They said she was a danger to herself and others." I lowered my head. "And I couldn't afford her bail." I knew what they both were thinking. My father was a wealthy man. That I should have more than enough money. When he died, my uncle received his estate, refusing to release it to me until I wished to call the Manor my home. It was Roth who put me through university. I worked several odd jobs while taking my classes, one in particular happened to be tending bar at this dive bar not far from UCL's campus, The Nine Bells. The start of my struggle with alcohol that only got worse after the island, another reason why my money disappeared. The job had been just enough to pay for my books. Sam offered to pay, but I just couldn't take that money from her. After Yamatai, Roth had listed me as the primary beneficiary for his policy as well. I didn't have it in my heart to take what both Reyes herself, as well as the daughter she shared with him, Alisha, rightfully deserved.

"And he was just asking her directions, _that's all_?"

"Yes. We've been through this." I cleared my throat, Kaz still looked shocked.

"I know, I-I just don't believe it." She stammered.

"Even Sam told them that. She just can't remember what happened next. Until they were pulling her off of him." I explained. Jonah turned to me, a worried expression on his face.

"That's sounding a bit too familiar…" He referred to the incident in Mexico.

"I know, although I won't be telling them that." I revealed. I was afraid of what they might do to her, afraid of what was to come next. I was visibly starting to shake, knowing that I had to face her soon. Jonah put his hand on my arm, in an attempt to comfort me.

"Do you want us to come in with you?"

I shook my head. "Best not. She's not exactly been all that communicative...even with me." I started to walk towards the entrance, trying my absolute hardest to get myself to calm down. _Breathe, just breathe, Lara._ I heard Kaz mentioning to Jonah that out of all of us, she never would have thought that Sam would end up in a place like this. None of us thought that. We all thought that it would have been me. _It should have been me._

My father had a drinking problem well into my youth. I have reason to believe that the loss of my mother, and the stress of his job was the cause. I recall a story he had told me, over and over about after I had been born. My mother had complications with her pregnancy. I almost died at birth, but I didn't. He was so happy, he drank half a bottle of whiskey, tried to make snowshoes out of tennis rackets, and fell asleep with the cat. Roth told me he always drank when he was happy, when he had something to celebrate over. It wasn't until after my mum died, when he got worse. He drank constantly. I wondered if that wasn't part of the reason he sent me off to those boarding schools. So I wouldn't...become like him. I'd like to think that he tried, unfortunately history has a tendency to repeat itself. In order to sleep at night, I would drink a half a bottle of scotch whiskey, with the help of sleep aids. It made the nightmares forgettable. That is, until I developed a tolerance. Another flaw in my relationship with Sam once she discovered my vice.

"Sam! Are you home?" I walked inside of our flat, closed the door behind me and locked it. It was quiet, almost too quiet. I heard noise from the kitchen, and followed it. Sam was standing at the edge of the counter facing the sink, her head buried in her hands.

"Sam, what's wrong?" I spoke softly. Not realizing that the half full bottle of Talisker I kept hidden was sitting upright in the sink until she turned to face me, the bottle in her trembling hand.

"I had a rough day at classes, I wanted to do some menial chores to help get my mind off things. Laundry, was what came to mind." She paused observing the bottle. "Why would you keep this hidden? If you have a problem sweetie, you need to talk to somebody about this." She lowered her head. "Since you can't clearly talk to me." Sam was the person that I loved most in the world. It broke my heart, knowing that I had caused her this much pain. After everything that I put her though, _I didn't deserve her solicitude_.

"The nightmares haven't stopped." I murmured. _Tell her the truth._ "Every night, after you fall asleep, I take about six sleep tablets...and wash it down with the whiskey." I confessed, avoiding looking into her eyes filling up with tears. In that moment, I don't think I had ever been more disappointed in myself, hearing what I'd done out loud. I heard her gasp.

"Jesus, Lara..." I saw her approach me slowly, leaving the bottle on the counter. She took both of my hands in hers. "Please, look at me?" But I couldn't, I couldn't face her. I was ashamed that the alcohol had made me feel better. It was the only thing that made the nightmares not worth remembering, the only thing that made the flashbacks stop. I gave into her request.

"Drinking is not the answer, sweetie." She ran her thumb across my cheek, her eyes not leaving mine. "Look what it did to your dad, I don't want that happening to you." On the list of things that I wished to talk about, my father was last on the list. I decided to shut all emotion off, breaking my eye contact with her. I moved past her, making my way to the bottle of whiskey.

"You wouldn't understand." I unscrewed the cap, taking a rather large swig from the bottle. I could feel it burning down my throat as I swallowed, hoping that It would somehow kill the pain. I looked at her, disappointment written all over her beautiful face. My throat still burning.

"I'm _nothing_ like him."

She shook her head, rolling her eyes.

"No, you're right. You don't hide away at the library, drowning yourself in books. You don't shut everyone out, including the woman that you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with. You don't use alcohol as a way to escape from your problems Lara. No, you're not like your dad at all." She spat, her eyes watering. "I can't deal with this right now, I'm going to see Jonah."

"Sam, wait."

She stopped in the doorway, turning on her heel.

"For what, Lara? For you to finally realize what you have? For you to finally realize that you're not the _only one_ going through this? Maybe if you opened your eyes, you'd see that." She had the last word as she walked out the door, slamming it.

" _What the hell is wrong with me?"_ I thought. Sam was right, though I was too damn stubborn to admit it. I grew angry with myself, disgusted even. She was the only thing that made all of the thoughts in my mind grow quiet, and I was pushing her away. _"Why can't you just fucking let her in, Lara? She loves you."_ My anger quickly turned into rage as I grasped the bottle by the neck and smashed it against the counter, shattering it into a million pieces.

"Fuck!" I sobbed, collapsing down to my knees. The glass cutting into them with a crunch as they landed on the kitchen floor.

"How is she doing?" I asked one of the guards leading me to her.

"Quiet today, she had a rough night last night." The guard responded unlocking the door and opening it for me. "If you need me yell or hit the alarm. I'll be just out here." She motioned toward the wall. _Shit, is she serious?_ I walked up to Sam on the other side of the glass. She seemed almost catatonic again, like she was on the boat. There were scratches up and down her arm, I felt a lump in my throat as I sat down across from her. We both picked up the phones when I started to speak:

"What happened to your arms? Did someone do that to you?" _Or did she do it to herself?_ She sat there, motionless. "Sam? Hello? Can you hear me?"

"We can hear you fine." She replied. _We? No...it couldn't be._ In Mexico, a woman walked up to Sam and claimed that she had been possessed. _Could it be, Himiko?_ I took deep breaths, trying to remain calm. This was finally starting to scare me.

"Sam, It's Lara. Come back to me. _Please_ , come back to me!" I cried, putting my hand up to the glass. "It's going to be okay. I'm going to find a way to raise your bail. Get you out of here. Get you proper help. You know I will, right?" Her eyes changed. They glanced around the room, unsure of what was going on. _This_ was Sam, and she looked terrified. Her hand met mine opposite the glass, she smiled faintly.

"I know.." Her brows furrowed, eyes grew cold. "So you'll be going away then?"

"I...maybe...I don't know." I stammered, trying to remain calm.

"Go!" She yelled, slamming the phone down as she got up and walked away.

"Sam! Come back! Sam!" _This couldn't be really happening._

She was gone.


	3. The Feelings That Remain

**_THE SESSIONS_ **

 

**_CHAPTER THREE - The Feelings That Remain_ **

  
  


“Tell me more about the dreams...” 

 

I was back in Doctor Faulkner’s office for our second visit. The end of our first one had resulted in me shutting down completely regarding Sam. When he asked about her I became paralyzed. I told him that I didn’t wish to talk about her. Never in a million years would I have thought that the woman who gave me some of my best memories would become one. She never left my mind, not for a second. I wondered what she was doing and how she was doing. I wondered if she missed me at all, if she even remembered who I was. She once told Ana that she couldn’t stand it whenever we were apart. _ “Does she still feel the same way now?”  _  I thought. Before the island she used to always tell me that she never wanted to be without me. She wanted to see the world, she wanted to experience everything that life had to offer, but she refused to without me.

Everything that Sam did, whether it was filming a documentary or working on her music, none of it mattered without me. I was her muse, and she was mine. Whenever I found something just waiting to be discovered, I’d turn around from my desk to see her sitting on the couch, either messing around with her camera, or penning lyrics for one of the many songs that she had written.  _ Written for and about me.  _ And I would share it with her. 

One day in particular, she was singing to herself. The sunlight coming in from the window framed her face so perfectly. Her dark brown eyes had this golden halo from the light that seemed to shine brighter when she looked at me. I think that was the moment I realized that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. With her singing to me, caressing me as she brought me my tea. How I would give anything to get that back, even just for a minute. 

Everything that I did in Japan was to protect her. I was always so terrified, thinking that it was always going to be my last time seeing her. My last time telling her that I loved her. To this day, everything that I do is for her. I don’t know how to go on with my life. I don’t know what to do with myself without her. She was a vital, amputated limb, and I felt like I was running my hands over the stump, longing for what used to be there. I think that’s how you know you love someone, when you can’t experience anything without wishing the other person were there to see it, too. Somehow I’m relieved to know that she’s not here to see this.

“Nightmares.” I corrected him. ” _Or night terrors?”_ I asked myself.  Sleep hadn’t been something I was getting much of since Yamatai. Usually when I did it would end in me waking up only an hour later, clutching the air, and screaming bloody murder. Sam would hold me in her arms, attempting to keep my demons at bay. When it came down to it, I rarely remembered them. One minute I’d be lying in bed, pulling Sam close to me. The next, I’d be writhing in fear, as if I was fighting for my life. 

The only ones I ever remembered were simple memories. Steph’s charred corpse, the Russians killing Victor and Liam as they tried to fight for my escape. That sickening smell of blood as I shot that man point blank during the struggle, how I sobbed and gagged when I fell to my knees, realizing what I had done.  _ I had taken a life.  _

“And I don’t remember them, just the...feelings that remain.” Regret, anger, disgust, terror. I nervously tapped my foot waiting for the doctor to speak. I could feel the hairs rising on my arms as I shuddered at the memories.

“In dreams, the feelings are often more important than the specifics. Tell me about those feelings.” Doctor Faulkner instructed. The feelings. I couldn’t even begin to describe them. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. My mind travelling back to Yamatai, Steph, Victor, Liam, Grim, Roth, and Alex. “I’m on the island, and my friends are dying.” I paused. I kept going back there in my mind, and there wasn’t a damn thing that I could do to try to stop the flashbacks.  “There’s nothing I can do and it’s all my fault.” And it was. The friends and loved ones that I had lost there weren’t worth getting there. 

“You’re going to have to tell me everything that happened there, I’ve read your published article, but I want to hear it from yo-”

“You won’t believe me.” I cut him off. I knew he wouldn’t believe me. No one else did.

“I’m not here to judge you. Or to try to change your thoughts on what’s real and what’s not.” He straightened up, clearing his throat. “This is a safe place, Lara.”

“I washed up on shore, I could hear a commotion coming from a small cliff ahead of me, light shining. I saw that it was Jonah, Reyes, Alex and Dr. Whitman. Alex was trying to resuscitate one of the crew members, Jonah tending to another’s wounds. Reyes took charge, arguing with Whitman. I tried calling out to them but the crash of the thunder was so loud they couldn’t hear me. I got up, and tried to make my way to them when something out of the corner of my eye flew towards my face and then it all went black.” My mouth felt dry, every inch of my body felt as if I was being electrocuted. “I woke up, hanging upside down in some sort of cavern. I called for Jonah and Reyes again when I noticed some sort of small shrine with lit candles a ways away from me. A large cocoon containing god knows stood between It and I. I swung forward, thinking that maybe if I caught fire, I could be free. Soon the mass caught on fire, spreading to this post facing outwards from the wall. I swung towards it, telling myself ‘this is gonna hurt, but you’re dead if you stay here a second longer.’”

“And you managed to escape.” Dr. Faulkner spoke, carefully watching me. I winced, gently grazing the large scar on my left lumbar region over my jumper. My ears started to ring.

“Yes. As I was falling...” I stood up, hesitantly lifting the hem of my top to reveal the grotesque, hypertrophic scar on my abdomen from the rebar that impaled me as I fell to freedom. “I got this.” I paused, turning my back to him as he caught a glimpse of the exit wound. “I was impaled by a piece of rebar sticking up from the ground.” I lowered my shirt, slowly sitting back down. Dr. Faulkner’s eyes narrowed, transfixed by the sight. “I panicked, and removed it improperly.” I motioned with my hands the imaginary piece, pulling it outward. “Roth taught me that you should never pull out an arrow, or any sharp object that pierced through you. It’s more damaging to pull it out, rather than push it through. It led to a serious infection later on, even after I cauterized it.” I took a deep breath, trying hard to suppress the phantom pain as I relived the event. 

“Take your time.” he directed. “With his lifestyle and from what you just told me, did he teach you how to act in times of crisis?” 

“He taught me everything that I know. He wanted me to be educated, prepared. I honestly believe that if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have taken the measures that I did. If he hadn’t taken the time to teach me what he did, we would have all been dead.” I bit my lip. “It wasn’t long until I discovered Steph...I was in shock from my wound, I collapsed to the ground and choked. It was utterly terrifying to see her die that way. It was staged, she was strung up to look like Jesus Christ crucified on the cross. I knew we weren’t alone on the island. There were these men who lived there, like this. Killing people…” I buried my head in my hands for moment. “They must have used her for some sort of ritual. I later found out that those savages worshipped Himiko, The Sun Queen of Yamatai. You see, no one had ever found Yamatai. I thought to myself ‘All of these undiscovered parts of history just waiting to be found. Imagine if you had a part in that.’ All of the books that were written stated that Yamatai couldn’t have been  _ that  _ far east or within the Dragon’s Triangle, also known as the Devil’s Sea. I figured ‘hey, there’s no point in following other people’s footsteps, and coming up empty handed.’ I never thought that I’d be right...I wish that I wasn’t. Liam, and Victor, two crewmates from the Endurance, as well as Doctor Whitman and I were captured by Russian survivors. As they gave me a head start to escape, they were both shot and killed. Whitman got away with ease...I”

I was back on the island, the smell of blood and smoke filled the smoldering air while I hid in the crevasse of a small shack in my attempt to escape from the Russians. Their leader and my captor, a man named Vladimir found me. He pressed me up against the wall, muttering suggestive comments in my ear, feeling me up. I made an attempt to get away, only for him to slam me against the wall harder, smelling my hair. I knew that If I didn’t fight back that I would have ultimately been seized against my will. With him leering at me the way he did, it had been obvious he hadn’t seen a woman in a long time, considering they killed everyone they came in contact with in attempts to leave the island. I sunk my teeth into his neck, as he stumbled backward I charged him, knocking us both down to the ground, his gun flying out of his hand. I broke free from my restraints, fumbling toward the gun pointing it at him as he lunged on top of me. My hands tightened on the pistols grip as he tried to wrestle it from me.  _ I can’t give up, I can’t die like this.  _ As soon as the gun was in front of his face, I pulled the trigger. Blood and bits of brain splattered over me as he collapsed on top of me, I quickly pushed him off still pointing the gun at him, gurgling until his eyes went dark.  _ What had I done?  _ I killed someone, not because I wanted to, because my very life depended on it. I took many lives on that island, because my life depended on it.

_ Her life  _ depended on it.

“Lara?” Dr. Faulkner's voice brought me back to reality. I jerked back, unaware of my surroundings. My muscles tensed, my heart thrashed around in my chest. The room started getting smaller. It was as if all of the oxygen had been cut off from me completely as I tried to breathe. A landslide of dread came crumbling down on me, bringing me down with it. I rose from my seat, pacing.

“I’m sorry, I-I can’t talk about this anymore.” I whimpered, placing my hands over my head allowing my lungs to fully expand, taking deep breaths.

“Where is your mind right now?” He asked, concern written all over his face.“On a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest level of anxiety or distress, tell me how that level is right now.”

“Ten.” I paced some more, continuing to regulate my breathing. “I’m back on the island, It’s dark, and I’m alone. These...men killed two of my crewmates, and their leader has be pressed up against a wall, making advances towards me.” 

“What emotions are present?”

“Terror, like he’s going to kill me, have his way with me or both...I’m just...terrified.”

“Okay. Now, which one of these phrases really hits you emotionally? ‘I’m alone.’, ‘I’m going to die’, ‘I’m helpless.’”

“I’m helpless..My hands were tied behind my back.” I answered him, reliving my first kill. He muttered to himself as he took notes.

“And where do you feel that In your body?” He questioned. I took a deep breath, pointing to my chest. “Right here.”

“Alright, keep that thought in your mind. I’m going to need you to stay in that place for a little while longer.” He reached out to me, one of his fingers pointed in the air. “I want you to follow the movement of my finger with just your eyes. Can you do that?” I nodded as my eyes followed his finger back and forth, as If I was being hypnotized. “I need you to recall that experience and those emotions as you follow.” As strange as it seemed, the slight side to side movements changed my thought process for the moment as a calming wave washed over me. I was brought back to reality, I wasn’t in Japan, I was in England, at Doctor Faulkner’s office. 

__ “Very good.” He spoke softly, my eyes still following his movements before he slowed them down, ultimately stopping. “Now, on a scale of one to ten, how do you feel about the trauma now?” The fear, and the pain was still there, but lessened. I did what I had to do to survive. If he hadn’t done it to me, he would have to the next helpless girl he came across. He could have done it to Sam. I took his life, because he would have taken mine. I believe that I did the only logical thing given the circumstances.

“About a six..It’s not as intense.”  _ How could that be possible?  _ “How did that happen?” I asked.

He smiled.

“This is a treatment called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR for short. It uses a natural function of the body, Rapid Eye Movement or REM as its basis. While we sleep, REM sleep helps us to cope with upsetting incidents. When someone experiences a traumatic event such as war, or abuse, that processing mechanism gets disrupted. That leads to the nightmares that you experience when you try to sleep at night. We use it in therapy to open up that blocked process, and accelerate it. Firstly, a visual image which is usually that of the most disturbing part of the trauma. Secondly, the negative thought that they have about themselves in relation to the trauma. Thirdly, the location of the disturbance in their body. These sets may include eye movements, taps, or tones. The type and length of these sets is different for each patient. At that point, the client is instructed to just notice whatever happens afterward. This isn’t a magic cure, It’s going to take many more sessions for you to feel some relief. It’s normal to get headaches, we don’t move our eyes that rapidly throughout the day. We can continue this treatment if you think it will be beneficial.”

“I’ll do anything to feel normal again at this point.” I breathed. 

“Everyone can get better.” He assured me. “Lara, from what you’ve published, your friends survived the island because of you.”

My fleeting moment of relief turned to anguish.

“Only a few of them.” I mumbled. He sat back down in his chair, looking me in the eye.

“ _ None _ of them would have survived if you hadn’t been there. It’s not your fault.”

“None of them would have been there, if it wasn’t for me. Of course it’s my fault.” I plopped back down in the chair across from him, my brief panic attack draining all of the energy I had left in my body for the day. Doctor Faulkner continued to jot notes down soon looking up at me.

“We have a lot of work to do.”

 


	4. It's All Over But The Crying

**_THE SESSIONS_ **

  ** _CHAPTER FOUR - It’s All Over But The Crying_ **

  
  


    After my session with Dr. Faulkner later that night I found myself on the wrong part of London, and I really didn’t care. After Sam walked away that day, it wasn’t unusual to find me sitting at one of the more questionable pubs in neighborhoods such as Hackney, Harlesden, Tottenham or Brixton. Trouble seemed to follow me everywhere I went according to Reyes, but little had she known I was the one seeking it. A worrisome feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment stirred inside me with each brawl. The daunting rush of adrenaline when I’d been tossed out arse over elbow, spewing profanities. Respect was a key principle in the more dodgy pubs in town. After a pint or six, I’d offer to teach the discourteous patrons a few lessons in it. But not tonight.

    My mind was all over the place. Voices in my head from the past screamed so loudly I had no other choice but to head for the bottom of the bottle to plug out the sound. The constant nagging feeling in my chest whenever I thought of Sam needed to be killed, or at least watered down. I walked into the pub, let the door slam behind me and strolled to the end bar stool. I sat down, removed my hood and pulled a twenty pound note from my jacket slamming it down on the bar.

“A pint of Fosters,” I grumbled, avoiding eye contact with the barman. He took it and proceeded to the register. The dim lighting made it hard for me to notice the many scuffs and chips within the bar's surface while an unrelentingly loud, fuzzy guitar riff doubled by acoustic played from the jukebox. The doleful lyrics claiming that the singer was only happy when it rained and her only comfort was the night going black. “I can relate,” I muttered under my breath.

The the barman returned with my change and my lager. I brought the glass up to my mouth quickly, with no interest in those around me. The song however, going down a treat. The lyrics “pour your misery down.” forced a crooked smile across my face as I braced myself to chug a few gulps. The cold lager lacking the “bite” that most had.

A minute later I set the glass down half full, slumped lower on the stool and leaned on the bar for support. My right arm found its way to a pocket of my jacket. I halted, out of the corner of my eye I could see Kaz leaning on the bar. A smug look on her face.

“Now, what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?” She flashed a grin, apparently feeding off of the anxiety bumping into her caused me. I groaned, spinning on the bar stool to face her.

“I could ask you the same thing.” I blinked, taking a long drag.

“Move over.” She gestured, I grabbed my beer and slid it along the edge of the bar as I moved down a stool, allowing her to sit.

“Pick your poison.” I told her before motioning for the barman to serve us.

“How you been holding up?” The tone in her voice changed, becoming more soft-spoken. The slight breakthrough I had wasn’t substantial enough to say I had been making progress. My hand reached behind my neck, rubbing it nervously as I lied, almost wishing I had drank enough to tell her the truth.

_To tell someone the truth._

“I’m fine...”

“Finding shady pubs to mope in, in even shadier parts of town is a bad habit, love.” She chuckled, giving me a playful pat on the back, sitting straight up in excitement as she noticed the song playing in the background. “Garbage.” She smiled. I looked at her in confusion. “That's the name of the band, silly. Lead singers from Scotland, she’s a total babe too.”

“Scotland, now?” I asked, thinking of Grim.

“Edinburgh, about an hour from Glasgow,” she answered as I nodded, circling the edge of my glass with my finger carefully. Grim was from Glasgow.

“I’ll be right back, Broody.” She teased as she walked over to the jukebox grinning. I wondered what she could possibly be doing.

“This one's for you, Croft. Listen and listen good.” She came and sat back down. Soon the bewitching, somber tempo of the music she selected made sense. I recognized the artist.

“Stevie Nicks?” I laughed as the barman walked over. “Two shots of Talisker.” I slid the rest of my money towards him, I could hear Kaz scoffing behind me. I took her advice and listened to Miss Nicks’ lyrics. They told a story of a downward spiral, advising over and over again to never dance with the devil. It was a bit ominous.

“You’re playing with fire here, dear.” She warned me. Unsure of what she was referring to, I shot a mystified glance at her. “What’s the reason for all of this? The drinking, the pub crawling. Is it because of Sam?” I tensed up and sighed heavily.

“Before you tell me, ‘I’m fine Kaz, this is what she wants.’ I will stop you and tell you that’s an absolute load of bullshit. You are ‘dancing with the devil’ Lara, you can’t keep doing it and then wonder why you’re still in hell.” I rested my elbow on the bar, my forehead resting on my palm. “You’re not alone, as much as you’d like to think you are. You need to find your purpose.”

“I lost my purpose when I lost her,” I murmured. Shortly after, her hand reached up to smack the back of my head.

“Stop that right now. You haven’t lost her. She’s still alive…” Her face quickly went from irritated to emotionless. _Shit... Lucya. “_ When Lucya was killed, and I went into hiding, I wasted my nights in places like this. I felt guilty, and I tried to drown it the same way you’re trying to drown yourself. Things may seem dark but this is _far_ from your darkest day, Lara. You know that.” Two shots of Talisker scotch whiskey made their way to us, I slid one towards my friend while keeping the other for myself.

“You look like you need this.” I took a deep breath as I downed the shot in one swallow. It burned my throat the entire way down. Slamming the small glass down, I looked over at Kaz to see her following suit. She shook her head, making a disgusted face.

“Shit.” As soon as she was over the shot her gaze returned rolling her eyes at me, as I finished my pint. “You and I have a lot we’re gonna talk about.” She reached into her pullover, pulling out a few pounds with a mischievous look in her eyes. “If It means getting you shitfaced in order for you to talk, that’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

I reluctantly accepted her offer. I needed so desperately to talk to someone who could empathize with what Sam and I had been going through. Kaz was the perfect person for that. We sat there for hours. I told her of how we were supposed to get married, before Yamatai happened. I was not the same woman leaving there, having the experience I did. Doctor Faulkner seemed to judge and analyze me. That was his job. Kaz was a friend, and I sensed no judgement from her. Partially because of the alcohol, and partially because she had lost a wife she loved. She knew what that kind of loss felt like. She called Jonah to pick us up at closing time, first stop was taking care of my drunk arse.

Kaz swung the door open, my arm slung over her shoulder as I staggered into my bedroom. I shouldn’t have had so much, I knew. _Kaz and her ideas._ I lost my balance when I was less than a metre away from my bed and crashed down on it.

“All right,” she sighed, clapping her hands together and scanning the room, “arms out.” I raised my arms from my sides so she could remove my leather jacket. “I will get you a change of clothes, Jonah will bring you a bucket, along with water and aspirin. He will take me home, Ana’s gonna be here in the morning. So, sleep it off.” Sam had always been the one to do this for me. On the nights where I’d get so tanked up I couldn’t stand she would change me and put me to bed. God, I missed her so much.

“For someone who’s trying to get better, you’re bad at it,” Kaz reproached me, folding her arms to her chest. During our chat at the pub I mentioned that I had been going to therapy. I sat up, using my sore arms as support to stay upright. The room was spinning, my vision deceiving me, telling me there were two of her. “Lara, you can’t keep doing this to yourself.” She walked towards the frame of my door. “Jonah, Lara and I need a moment, all right?” She called out to him. I heard a unintelligible response from him before she gently shut the door.

“Listen...” She looked me in the eye. “I would give anything to get Lucya back after what Trinity did to her. With Sam, you still have a chance. I know how much you love her, and I could tell by the way she looks at you she loves you, too.”

“I feel... lost, Kaz,” I slurred. “I don't know what to do without her.” I shuddered, tears forming in my eyes as I tried to focus my blurred sight on her, but the tears made it difficult.

“Sam needs you, Lara. I know that you’re hurting, and I hate seeing you like this.” She knelt down to my level, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder. “But you can’t give up on her.” Her words echoing in my head as I struggled to keep it upright.

“I haven’t given up on her.” My head dropped, my eyes staring blankly at the floor. “Just myself.”  Tuning in and out of cohesiveness, I fell back on the bed, trying to pick out shapes in the ceiling. I thought of everyone I had lost. Mum, Dad, Steph, Grim, Roth, Alex, and finally Sam. I had realized that Kaz was right. I _was_ dancing with the devil and each time I did, I felt a little piece of myself drift away never to return. The love of my life needed me, then more than ever. I agonized over whether there was anything I could do,  stirring around the mattress until I laid on it properly.

“What’s the point?” I hiccuped, glancing at her. “Himiko has latched onto some part of her, It won’t be long before she takes over completely.” My stomach felt sick, my chest burned. _Probably the alcohol forcing its way back up._ Kaz sat down at my bedside.

“Wasn’t your father researching the subject of immortality?” She asked. My head pounded. I couldn’t quite make out the full details of some of his tapes I had listened to at the moment. I nodded, confident I had heard the word in them somewhere. I felt a light smack on my arm.

“Who do you know that’s rotting in a mental ward somewhere, say, possessed by an immortal soul?!” she exclaimed. I could barely keep my eyes open. “Lara, you have to dig up your dad's research. You _absolutely have to._ You can help Sam. I know you can, and that might be the best place to start.” Everything went black. There was a tapping at my cheek that forced me to stay awake and my eyes opened to her looking down at me, my face in her hands.

“I will not watch you suffer like this anymore. What would Sam say If she say you like this?”

I groaned, bringing my hand up to my head. “ _Where was Jonah with that aspirin?”_ I thought. “All right, you win.” I bared my teeth at the persistent hammering in my head. “I can get to bed on my own.” I assured her. I heard a knocking at my door.

“You’re all clear!” Kaz yelled. Jonah made his way to my bedside, placing the bucket on the floor by my nightstand before shaking his head in disappointment.

“Little Bird, this isn’t good for you.”

“I know, I know…” I clenched my teeth, trying to sit upright. “Aspirin.” I grabbed the bottle from Jonah’s hand and the bottle of water from his opposite hand. I tossed three in my mouth before downing them with a swig of the water. “You guys are good to go, I’ll be fine.” I droned, laying back down. I could feel my consciousness ebbing away and my thoughts as unclear as they were come to an end, the alcohol helping me drift to sleep. I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“Get some rest.” I tuned in and out of coherence as Jonah spoke softly.

“Remember what I said, Lara.” Kaz chimed in before they left, locking the door to my flat behind them.

 _Alone again._ There was that name again, “Trinity” _._ I've heard it somewhere before Yamatai. I just don't know where. Since meeting Kaz, I had had more than a few casual run-ins with them. _Who are they? What are they? Why do they sound so familiar?_

_Remember Lara... remember._

“What's eating you?” Sam asked. I glanced at her, her drink still in her hand.

“I wanted to ask you something before you got too pissed up.” The night following our graduation, the graduates celebrated. And by celebrated, I mean threw a gigantic kegger. Sam loved going to these kinds of things, she was a people person where I was a wallflower. I stood there at a table downing shots of liquid courage as I watched her interact with everyone. Waiting for the right moment to pull her outside, away from everyone else. I took her on a short walk to the Euston Square Gardens where we had met Roth after the ceremony. It had still been decorated from before.

“You know, without all the people, it's actually beautiful here.” She smiled.

“I'm surprised they haven't torn down all the flower placements and decorations.” I ran a hand through my hair.

“I can't believe we're done.” I felt her hand squeeze mine as we walked along. “It kind of makes you wonder what's next.” “ _There’s opening,”_ I thought. I stopped in my tracks as she followed suit. I grabbed her drink from her hand, closed my eyes and gulped the rest of it down.“Lara are you okay?”

“I'm perfect.” I walked over to the trash and disposed of the cup,returning to her hesitantly, my eyes not leaving the ground. “Roth always used to tell me that the next thing I do,  the next choice I make will define me. Whether it's my career, my life…” I paused, looking up into her eyes, the moonlight making them sparkle. Looking into her eyes, everything changed. All of my worries faded away with the night. I knew that no matter what happened after tonight, I would be okay, regardless. I had her, and nothing else mattered. “You've made this next choice so easy for me.” I smiled at her. She wrapped her arms around my waists and pulled me close to her, oblivious to what I was about to do next.

“And that is?” She asked, her eyes not leaving mine. I reached into the pocket of my pullover, to remove the small Italian leather box containing my mother's engagement ring. A small platinum band with a prong setting in which small adjacent diamonds shared prongs with the larger pear cut stone in the middle of it. I took a deep breath as I steadied my hand.

_“You can do this, Lara.”_

“No matter what I uncover as an archaeologist, all the secrets, the history and relics….” My voice quivered as I backed away from her, holding one of her hands as I shakily got down on one knee. My heart about ready to burst.

“You will always be my greatest treasure.” I carefully removed the box from my pocket and opened it. Her eyes widened and filled with tears. “There is a million and one reasons we could never work, everyone made bets we wouldn't have lasted a year, let alone four. We proved them wrong. The odds were  stacked against us, but together, we beat them. I believe that if we're lucky enough to have found each other in the first place, we're worth betting on for life.” I took a deep breath before asking. _There's no turning back now._

“Samantha Nishimura, I love yo-”

“Yes.” she sobbed, looking me right in the eye.

“You didn't even let me ask you-”

“Yes, Lara! Yes!.” An exuberant amount of joy filled my body as she pulled me up into her arms.

“Babe, I love you so much.” She sniffled, pulling me into a deep kiss. And just like that, my happiest moment was not graduating college. Samantha Nishimura, the girl whos free spirit changed my life had agreed to be my wife. With her, I felt as If I was on top of the world.

And nothing could bring me down.

_“SALUTE THE SUN, I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE ALL NIGHT LONG HAULING ROCK OVER BUDDHA WITH THE LONGHORN.”_

My clock radio blasted in my ears, sending me straight up from my bedroom floor. I yawned and rubbed my eyes while I picked myself up. I shuffled across the room over to my nightstand and pressed the reset button. “ _8:00am”_ it read.

 _“I slept?”_ I thought. I had never woken up on the floor though before.

“Strange.” I whispered to myself. I walked outside to the living area. Books upon books, along with many documents and my father's tapes stood scattered about my desk and every surface available.

“You must have been sleepwalking, Lara.” I walked over to my desk, stacking each book on top of the other before placing them back in their boxes, blatantly disregarding the full ache in my spine. Papers were placed in folders and put into their boxes. It wasn't long before I heard a knock at the door. My eyes widened and the hairs on my arms raised. “I wasn't expecting anyone, was I?” I rushed over to the side of my door, ready to attack whoever came through it. A sigh of relief escaped me as I heard a familiar voice.

“Lara? It's Ana.” I unlocked the door and cautiously opened it. Something was off, Ana didn’t look well. Her usually piercing blue eyes were bloodshot and sunken in, her face lacked color apart from the redness around her eyes and nose. “ _Had she been crying?”_ I asked myself. _“I didn’t do this... did I?”_

“Ana... you look like hell.” I told her as I made a gesture, inviting her in.

“Kaz called me last night. She said you’ve been drinking.” That was a complete understatement, even with seeing Dr. Faulkner once a week, I struggled with the flashbacks. Last night was the first night in many where I had slept over three hours without a nightmare. _But then there was the sleepwalking._ I couldn’t say that had been improving, because truthfully, I wasn’t. Realistically, I couldn’t within two sessions. “What is this all about, Lara? Sam? Have you tried to go see her?” There it was, her name. As of recent I couldn’t hear it without going back to H.M. Prison Holloway, Sam or who I thought was Sam, slamming the phone down and walking away from me as I begged for her to come back. She wasn’t herself anymore. Despite everything I did to save her life, Himiko ended up using her as a vessel, regardless. I grimaced and turned away from her so she wouldn’t see me wipe away the tears in my eyes.

“Can we please, not talk about her?” I tried to regain my composure and looked over my shoulder at her. I was hurting, bad. The pain of losing Sam that way was like someone had ripped my heart clean from my chest and continued to prod at the wound. “You need to open up to _someone_ , Lara...” Ana observed all the boxes scattered throughout the living room and on my desk.

“Has everything been going well with Steven?” She asked, referring to Dr. Faulkner. I shrugged, ambling over to her. I folded my arms across my chest as I felt a downward shift in the temperature of the room.

“I couldn’t really tell you... he’s using this technique on me.” I bit my bottom lip gently. “He has me think of a bad memory, or something that upsets me. Then he waves two fingers in front of my face, asking me to follow them with just my eyes. And I don’t know, i-it works... I can’t explain it.” I watched her, waiting for a response.

“Have you found any work yet?” It was one question after another. She may have not been my biological mother, but she might as well have been.

“Yeah, I’m doing a few odd jobs here and there.” I replied, she looked worried. I couldn’t blame her. She watched my father go down a path of destruction, and I doubt she wanted me to do the same. I felt a buzzing in my back pocket.

“Sorry.” I apologized to her while pulling the device from my pocket.

“You got another new phone?”

“Yeah, I’m such a klutz Ana, you know that”. I powered on my lock screen to see a single text message.

_“Hackney in 15? I have what you're looking for.”_

I glanced back up at Ana.

“Ana, I appreciate you checking up on me, but really, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me, okay?” Though I wasn’t fine, I didn’t want to pile all of my problems on everybody else. It wasn’t their burden to carry. It was mine, and mine alone. Although, it became Kaz’s burden as well after drunkenly telling her everything.

 _“Give me twenty minutes. - L."_  I typed and sent.


End file.
